I’m starting my own restaurant and trying to cut back on expenses. What do you think is the best choice to maximize my profits?

-Save money on tables by having people eat out of a trough
-Allow people to throw their garbage on the floor with their peanut shells
-Refuse to refund money to customers who got salmonella
-Require kaftans
-Convince customers the D from the health inspection stands for delicious

Make sure you open your restaurant in an area that is near other restaurants. Offer to save them money on trash disposal fees by dealing with some of their food waste for them. Have your kitchen staff periodically pick through this trash and gather up anything that looks like it might still be edible, and incorporate it into the meals that you serve. It’s amazing how many people throw away perfectly good pasta, steak, meat from sandwiches, etc., just because they ordered more than they could eat and are too lazy to take the leftovers home. Let their loss be your gain, and help to save the environment at the same time by recycling food so it doesn’t end up in a landfill somewhere.

For example, let’s say the steak house across the street serves 16 ounce ribeye steaks. Many people won’t finish theirs, so there should be an ample supply of steak pieces, let’s say somewhere around four ounces each, in their trash. You can combine these and sell 12-ounce portions as three four-ounce mini-steaks, and because the food didn’t cost you anything, you can dramatically undercut the steak house’s prices and still make a profit.